Questions and Regrets

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Disclaimer: These are just my personal feelings regarding my miscarriage. I’m sure every person/couple that goes through this sort of event has different experiences and feelings so I am only speaking for myself.

I am thankful that I was able to receive excellent care when I ended up in the emergency room earlier this week. Just before I was sent home, the nurse that was taking care of me asked when my husband and I were going to try for a baby again. I was speechless. I know she meant no harm and was just trying to make conversation but I was stunned into silence before trying to make up some sort of answer that would help me get out of the conversation as quickly as possible.

I still don’t know how to process the question even though it hangs around in the back of my head constantly. I guess my answer is that I literally have no idea but I know that’s okay. My husband and I are currently living through one of our worst nightmares and it’s okay to be unsure of when we would want to try again. There is always the potential for the same outcome. There is also the potential that everything will go perfectly fine and we will get to meet our little one.

I am continuing to learn a hard lesson about grieving and how people do it differently. I am not a stranger to grieving since several family members of mine have passed over the years and I know, theoretically, that everyone grieves differently. Seeing my husband not react the way I thought he would after telling him that we wouldn’t be meeting our baby next summer hurt me at first. I was expecting him to unravel, to freak out but he didn’t. On some level it made me angry and added to all of the other doubts and thoughts that were swirling in my head. Maybe I really did something to cause this miscarriage. Maybe he really didn’t want the baby and that is why he was so calm. After a couple of days beating myself over the miscarriage and continuing to think those thoughts, I pushed them to the back of my mind because they had no reason being there.

I am so happy that he continues to heal and think about this miscarriage in a way that is organic to him. Just because he wasn’t crying like I was didn’t mean he wasn’t hurting too. And it doesn’t mean that he isn’t still upset now. I know he wanted this baby as much as I did and I am so sorry that I doubted it even for a second while thinking morbid thoughts.

I believe that this experience will only continue to make us stronger and help us grow as individuals and as a couple. Although I am extremely sad and upset that this has happened and would never wish it on anyone, I have no regrets and am thankful to be able to weather this storm.

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